


Don't Touch Me

by EvenIfYouLoseYourMind



Series: Agent Absinthe Works [1]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Cheating, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, married!merlin, unfaithful relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 12:30:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13590096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvenIfYouLoseYourMind/pseuds/EvenIfYouLoseYourMind
Summary: Elise has been seeing the Kingsman's Tech Wizard Merlin for the past several months despite the looming fact that the U.K agents would be leaving for their new HQ.  Their relationship is filled with potential and blooming love, something Elise had always craved and everything seems to be perfect... Until it's revealed that not only is there a new facility waiting back in Scotland, there's also Merlin's wife.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Uploaded here from my tumblr (@agent-absinthe)!

Absinthe had been great friends with Amnesiac Harry, she was always the one who would visit and listen to him talk about butterflies and how much he missed his mother.  Their bonding was strong enough to last through Harry regaining his memories which is why he had invited her to come have coffee with him, a nice change to the bars that they usually frequented.  The few Kingsman that were left had setup at Statesman until their new HQ was finished and fuck had Absinthe fallen hard for their techie.  She and Merlin had been seeing each other for the past few months now.  He was so sweet, so thoughtful with dates and gestures of affection, and the sex?  Amazing.  She knew that he would leave eventually but hoped that she would be one of the Statesman chosen to go with them, maybe take the relationship further.

“Elise, dear listen, I know you and Merlin have been having quite the affair-“

“Harry, if this is one of those don’t hurt your friend speeches I can assure you that wont happen.“  She laughed sipping her coffee.

“It’s not him I’m worried about.“

Their conversation had caught the interest of said friend who was back at Statesman HQ doing some surveillance work.  Harry had always been forgetful about his glasses.

“Galahad, your glasses are still transmitting.“

No response.  Fuck, he must have taken out his ear piece.  

“You do know that he’s married, don’t you?“

Absinthe jerked to a stop, coffee poised halfway to her lips, “What?”

Harry repeated himself and Merlin felt the trickle of ice cold panic enter his body.  No, no,no,no,no.  This was not good, not good.

“Y-ya, of course.“  She lied feeling her stomach drop at the fact that she had been lied to.  Heart aching.

“Well, good. I just wanted to make sure you were on the same page.  He’s my friend and I love him, but that doesn’t mean I agree with his choices.  It would break my heart to see you hurt.“  He reached across the table to pat her hand affectionately before moving on to another topic like nothing had happened.

Elise couldn’t finish her coffee and suddenly felt like she couldn’t breathe, her heart stuttering out of beat and the room was getting so hot.  In the middle of Harry’s story about something that happened at Singapore she began to cry and hard.  Although she tried wiping it away with sleeves the sound of muffled sobs in a public cafe were hard to conceal.  Harry immediately got up and moved his chair next to hers putting an arm around her shoulders.

“Elise, sweetheart shhh, shhh.  It’s alright, it’s alright.  What ever is the matter?“

All surveillance work had been completely forgotten as Merlin focused all of his attention on Harry’s feed.  Absinthe was hunched over with the heel of her hand against her lips trying to stop the the broken sounds from leaving her mouth, it was fucking heartbreaking to see.  

“Th-this sucks, Harry.  It fucking sucks-“  Elise tried pulling herself together but only managed to take off her glasses, “I’m so fucking stupid.“

“No, don’t say that.“

“I love him so much, I fucked up.  He, he just won’t find out, Harry he  _can’t_  find out.  He’ll go back home eventually, I knew he’d have to and then I’ll, I’ll just wing it.  Like I always do.  I’ll be ok, I’ll be fine.”  

The insistent nodding crumbled back into sobs and Harry had to glare at several other cafe goers who began staring.

“I’m so  _stupid._ ”  

Merlin felt sick to his stomach, he never meant for it to go this far.  It just happened and she was so beautiful and full of life, so young.  He had been starved for something like that after so long away from home and he couldn’t help but throw himself into it.  Not to say that he didn’t love Sophia more than anything else on this Earth, never could love someone more than her, but there was something about Elise.  Something about her that just made him weak and needy.  As Harry suggested they head back to HQ and get her into bed to rest, Merlin began coming up with a recovery plan and quickly.

A few hours after the incident Absinthe sent Merlin a text that simply stated she would be busy the next few days and wouldn’t be able to speak with him.  Immediately following that came a picture from Sophia of their cats with the message “Love you!  Cannot wait for you to be home next week!”, he responded to both and turned off his phone, guilt building.  

It had been three days since Absinthe had, had any contact with Merlin and honestly she felt better, the gross ache of being used still lingered but she was functional enough to work and smile and laugh like usual.  Until he showed up at her room  unannounced.

“Hamish.  Hey, look I’m really busy right now.  Maybe come back later?“  Elise knew if he didn’t leave she was going to go on a fucking rampage that lasted days.

“Please, I really need to speak with you, jus’ let me in.  Please.“  

She knew she would hate herself for it later but she opened the door.

“Sorry it’s a mess, I’ve just been busy.“

“No, I should be the one apologizing to you.”

A heavy silence filled the small room as Elise clenched her jaw and the sadness from the past few days began manifesting into anger.

“Harry transmitted the whole thing didn’t he?“

Merlin had shown up empty handed and stared down at his palms trying to swallow the lump in his throat long enough to speak, “I never meant for it to happen like this, love.  I-I was weak and I should not have led y’ on like I did.”

“So, it’s true then.“

“Aye.“

Elise started laughing, “Never would have pegged you as the cheating type.  Guess I’m getting rusty at reading people.”

“It’s never happened before, you’re the only one-”

“The only one?  Are you FUCKING kidding me, Merlin?  You need to leave, you need to  leave before I lose my shit.“

“I’m so sorry, I care for ya I do-”

“No.  No you don’t!“  she shouted suddenly but recovered quickly with a sad chuckle, “all I was to you was some young piece of ass that you wanted play girlfriend with.  Well, I hope you had fun but the games over and I’m tired.“

“No, Elise that’s not what this was.“

Merlin moved to put a hand on her arm, she needed to understand how sorry he was.  Touching her was the wrong thing to do because she slapped his arm away and tears began forming.

“Do no fucking touche me!  Get out!  Get the fuck out of my apartment now.”

“Can I jus’ fuckin’ tell ya I’m sorry!“  Merlin raised his voice back at her and immediately regretted it when she shrank away.

“You already did and apology NOT accepted.  You treated me like you actually fucking wanted more, you know that right?  You acted like  _this_ was some kind of amazing new thing you’d never felt before.“

“It was!”  He was desperate now, he just wanted to make things right.

“Do you love her?“  She asked suddenly, tension suspended in the air.

The question was not one he had anticipated and froze up.

“ _Do you love her?_ ” 

“Yes.“

Absinthe stared at him with glassy eyes and shook her head, “You made me hurt someone.  Even if it’s secondhanded and I didn’t know, you still made me hurt an innocent woman that probably doesn’t deserve what you’re putting her through.”

“She doesn’t know.“  He whispered.  

“Of course not.”

Another silence fell over them as they stared at each other, not knowing what to do.  Seeing her cry in person was much different than on a monitor and Merlin couldn’t take it.  In a last ditch effort he advanced on her quickly and pulled the girl against his chest where she gripped his jumper and cried into him.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.“ He pressed his lips to the top of her head and smoothed down her hair lovingly.

“I dinnae mean to hurt you, I’m so sorry.  I love you-“

Elise snapped back to reality and pushed him away shaking her head, she was so tired.

“Stop, Merlin.  Just go, ok?  Go home, go back to your wife and leave me alone.“

“I’m sorry.“  He repeated, the only thing that felt right coming out of his mouth.

“Leave me alone.  If you don’t, I’ll find out who she is and you know I can, and I’ll send her everything I have between us and tear your whole fucking life apart.“

The cold and steady sound of her voice let him know that she was not fucking around.  So, with more guilt in his stomach and an endless sense of shame he left without another word.

If this had happened in the Kingsman, this would have been swept under the rug and ignored due to the scandal of it all.  But this was  _not_ the Kingsman and it was  _not_ swept under the rug.  Merlin’s last few days at the facility was utter fucking hell.  Turns out Absinthe was very well loved and that another agent, who was an awful gossip, had heard the whole thing and let everyone else know.

“The mission report is somewhere on this drive.”  Tequila tossed it onto the techie’s lap and went to walk away.

“Tequila, this is a 512 GB flash drive can ya give me the name a the file at least?”

“Nah, M’sure ya can find it.”

It took him an exhausting hour to go through all the files before he finally found the report under the file name of “youreapieceofshit”.  Wow, he didn’t realize Tequila was so creative.  Agent Rum, also made sure to stop by and drop off her report, her hip hitting the table as she left and spilling Merlin’s tea all over the technical equipment.

“Oh no!  Sorry about that, I’m so clumsy!“  

And Eggsy began giving Merlin the cold shoulder even after they left the states for their new HQ.  Merlin knew that eventually all of this would pass and soon things would be back to normal, but he couldn’t help think about Absinthe even when he was finally back in Sophia’s arms.  He had probably fucked up that poor girl’s entire outlook on love, left her alone back in the states like some kind of dirty secret.  Yet here he was, with a warm body curled around him, comfortable and loved.  

What the fuck had he done?


	2. Chapter 2

Absinthe was bracing herself against the sink of a shitty little restroom in a seedy bar that Tequila had brought her to.  She looked up into the mirror and rubbed a hand under her eye to try and even out the smudged make up, mascara tear streaks running down her cheeks.  Fuck she couldn’t keep doing this every week, but she couldn’t stop.  It was one of the only things she could look forward to and Tequila was more than happy to have someone to have fun with, especially when she took whatever he gave her without much care for what it was.  God, what the fuck was she doing?  

“Hey!  Ya ok in there?  Come on we gotta go!“ 

“Ya, I’m fine just give me a second.“ 

Tequila opened the door anyway and pulled her out by the arm, everything was blurry and slow as he led her out the door.  The cold air hit her hard and she held onto him as they moved.

“Wanna head home or brave another bar?“  

“Bar, club, anything.  Just not home yet.“  Her tongue felt too heavy as she spoke.

“Mmm, ya ok?  Hey, look at me-“ Tequila stopped and grabbed her chin, shaking her a bit.

“No, yer goin’ home.  What the fuck did you take?“

“I dont know.  Whatever, you gave me-“

“I didnt give you anything!“  Why did he sound so mad?  Chill out.

Oh ya, it hadn’t been Tequila, it had been that stripper that looked a little like him.  Fuck, what was his name again?  

“Whoa, whoa you need to stay with me, Elise.  Come on, girl don’t fucking pass out on me.”

His voice was getting so distant now, the sound of her labored breathing the only thing her ears seemed to register, like she was under water.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

~

The taste in her mouth was the first thing Elise noticed when she woke up, eyes crusty with day old eyeliner and mascara, a painful pimple already developing from the left on foundation.  Wait.  This wasn’t her bed.  And who’s fucking shirt did she have on?

“Thank fucking god yer awake!” 

“Where am I?  What happened?“  

Tequila looked like he was about to cry before getting furious.

“Ya fuckin’ took some shit from a  _stripper_  and ran off!  Yer lucky I found ya in the bathroom when i did because you passed out on me.  Fuckin’ had to get Ginger to come over and pump your stomach so we wouldn’t have to take you in.“

“Oh my god.“  Elise covered her face and fell back to the bed.

“Ya, Elise look I ain’t got no business tellin’ you what to do but you gotta get yer shit together.  I know you’re still hurtin’ but fuck darlin’ it’s been a few months and honestly ya starting to look like shit.“

She started to laugh at that because it was true and it hurt to admit that she hadn’t been taking care of herself.  It was hard right now to do anything except drown out her feelings in whatever she could find.

“Come on, get up.  We gotta a plane to catch.“  He tossed her a button down and her skinny jeans from last night.

It felt good to get all of the crusted make up off, Tequila’s face wash was actually decent and luckily he had an extra toothbrush lying around, god she would have to cook for him soon as thanks for all this.  She still looked like shit but at least her breath didn’t smell like it.  When Champ told Absinthe he was promoting her to head of the Psych department she didn’t know what to say, she was 25 and getting a promotion like that was unheard of.  Until he added that it would be at the Kingsman location and that their Psych Department consisted of 5 other agents.  

“So…you gonna be ok?”  Tequila asked quietly as they took off.

“I guess.  Champ said if I didn’t clean up my act I’d be put on leave until further notice.  I just- I don’t want to see him.  I still feel like shit-.”

“Hey, hey sweetpea no, that ain’t your fault, ok?  That shit is on him, we all know that if ya had known it wouldnta happened.”  He wrapped his arm around her, prepared for the tears.

~

“Mhmm, oh yes.  Of course I’ll show you where all the good cafes are!  I made sure to get you assigned to a good room, much better than the one you had a Statesman.“  

Merlin walked into the meeting room and was surprised to see Harry on his personal phone as the other agents waited impatiently.

“I’ve taken it upon myself to have a gift basket made as well.  And I’ve already gotten your schedule cleared up for when we go see Elton.  Just a moment dear someone’s glaring at me-”  Harry covered the phone, “it’s Elise, they landed a few moments ago.”

“Yes, yes Eggsy and Roxy are very excited to see you.  No, no you aren’t interrupting anything.“

Merlin’s heart sank at her name.  The guilt that had subsided over the past few months now opened up like a fresh wound.  They hadn’t spoken since she told him to get out; their departments were on opposite sides of the distillery so they would have limited contact, if any.  Still, just knowing she would be this close to him resurfaced everything he had felt in Kentucky and those feelings also brought nauseating shame.  His marriage with Sophia had flourished since he got back, now that their HQ was in Scotland he got to spend much more time at home.

“I’m on my way to the landing strip now.“

“Arthur, sir, we need to do a debrief.“ 

“Do it without me, Merlin.  I’m sure it’ll be fine.“

Merlin almost screamed…

~

Absinthe was fucking FLOURISHING; the others in the department respected her, she hadn’t gone out and gotten drunk in weeks, and knowing Merlin was in the same building barely even crossed her mind anymore.  The smile on her face seemed permanent as she made her way through the distillery, god they had to make this place so confusing didn’t they?

“Pardon me, dear!”  A light,Scottish voice called from behind her.

A tall, redhead holding a clipboard and a lunch bag was jogging up to her with a bashful smile.  She was older, maybe mid 40′s but holy shit was she gorgeous, even in jeans and a simple jumper the woman looked STUN-NING.  

“Hi, can I help you?”

“I’m looking for the front desk, seemed to have gotten turned about.”  

“I’m heading that way actually!  And this place is like a maze, still haven’t gotten used to it.  What brings you to the distillery?”

“My husband, lord help me, forgot his clipboard and lunch at home.  Made me come all the way up here for a _clipboard._ “ 

“They’re hopeless aren’t they?“  She tsked.  

The women shared an understanding laugh together and continued down the hall making small talk and giggling comfortably. 

“You’re American, right?”

“I’m from the U.S sister location.  I actually just got transferred here a month or so ago.”

The woman smiled at her, “And what bring’s ya to Scotland, love?  How do you like it so far?”

“God, it’s gorgeous and I was appointed to head of… H.R.”

“What?  Good lord, ya cannot be older than what, 26?”

“25.”

“You’re just a babe still, a child really.  So young, my goodness it must be exciting!”

“Oh, come on you’re what, 32?”

She tossed her head with a deep laugh, ”Aw, you’re so cheeky.  Child, I’m 46.”

“Well, you look great.”  Was Elise flirting?  Probably not? 

The redhead slapped her shoulder playfully as they finally arrived at the front desk.  The poor worker looked so relieved to finally see other human beings.

“Sorry, love I didn’t catch your name.”

“It’s Elise, so good to meet you!”  She held out her hand.

“Sophia.  I’m sure I’ll see y’again, ya know we should do lunch sometime!  I can introduce ye to some locals, I know a bar back at the village spot  that would love to make yer acquaintance.”  

More warm laughter.  

“I would actually really like that.”  Elise felt her heart get even lighter knowing she had just made a friend.

“Fantastic.  Let me get your number-”  Sophia handed off the clipboard and bag to the front desk assistant.

“Oh thank goodness you brought this.  He’s been calling down every five minutes seeing if it’s been dropped off.”  The assistant mumbled punching in the tech department’s extension.

“Fantastic, I’ll shoot ya a text later this week!  Oh, I better stay and say hi to him I guess, men can be so sensitive can’t they?”

“I know right.  Oh, who’s your husband?  I don’t think I asked.”

“Hamish.  He works in the tech department.”

No.  Oh no.  Oh god, no.  

“You alright, darlin’?”  The poor kid suddenly looked mortified.

“Um, ya.  It was so great to meet you but I just remembered I have a meeting to get to.  Have a good day!” 

Elise was able to make it back down the hall and into a bathroom stall before the first sob broke through her mouth.  She bit down on her fist to keep the cries from echoing in the empty room and pressed herself against the stall.  Why?  Why had this happened?  Everything was going so well, she was doing so well.  As the secondhand guilt came back tenfold another thought manifested itself screaming, ‘there’s no way he could have cared for you if he has her!  God, he must have really lowered those standards for you!’  

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.“  She chanted elbowing the stall until she bled..

As her breakdown slowly subsided her phone began to ring, Tequila, probably wondering where she was.

“Hey.“

“Where the hell are ya?  We need- wait, are ya ok?  Yer voice sounds thick.“

A sniff, “Ya, ya I’m fine.  Hey, can we go out tonight?”

“Darlin’ it’s Wednesday.“

“So?  Come on we haven’t done anything crazy since we left the states.“

There was a short silence before he laughed, “dammit girl, alright.  You better hurry that ass up though cause I cain’t keep this meeting stalled for long.”

Elise now braced herself against the sink, staring into the mirror and trying to salvage any makeup that was able to stay on her skin.  The promise of a drunk, destructive night soothing her nerves for now.

Looks like it was back to square one.  

~

_Roxy and several other younger agents had tagged along, the London club scene apparently hot and heavy even during the middle of the week.  Tequila was being a butthead and refusing to let Absinthe out of his sight, this was so stupid.  He kept handing her drinks though, so that made up for it, for now._

_She was on the dance floor?  When had she gotten here?  Where was Roxy, she was just dancing with her.  A couple pulled her into their circle.  They were warm so she stayed._

_It was cold outside, snow crunching underneath her shoes.  Trying to read her phone while her fingers trembled.  She sent Roxy and Tequila a text to stop their obnoxious and worried calls.  “I’m fine.  See u in the morning.”  She spilled into a cab along with the couple from the night club._

It was still dark out when Elise opened her eyes.  The alarm clock on the nightstand she didn’t recognize let her know that it was 5 a.m and the two bodies tangled on either side of her were still breathing deeply.  With as much grace as she could muster half drunk Absinthe slipped off the bed, thankful that all her clothes were in a pile at the foot of the bed and her phone was dead but still in her coat pocket.  The morning was cold and snowy, cheeks burning from the frost as she waited for a Kingsman cab, it wouldn’t take her long to get back to the distillery after she made it to the hyper express at the shop.  

 At 6 Absinthe was in the break room making coffee to help sober her up when the door opened and Merlin walked in.  He paused, unsure if he should just leave or alert her to his presence.

“Elise…How, are you?“  

Her body went taut at his voice, but she didn’t turn around, determined to finish making herself a cup before she darted out of the room.

“I’m doing  _ **great**_.  How are you?“

“It’s good to see you.“  He said softly, walking closer to her

She didn’t respond to that and continued to stir in her sugar.  Elise could  _feel_ him just standing there behind her, staring at her.  Nerves on end she turned to go keeping her head down to avoid his gaze because she had gone this long without seeing him and dammit she wasn’t gonna ruin her streak now.

“Wait.“  He stepped in front of her, “look at me, please.  I jus’ want to make sure we’re on good terms.  Please, Elise.“

That was a mistake because she looked awful.  The hollowness in her eyes let him know that whatever was going on with her most likely had something to do with him.  

“Sure, Hamish.  We’re on ok terms.“

He frowned at that and raised a hand towards her face as if to cup it, his thumb brushing against a bit of old mascara on her cheek before pulling back.  The silence was heavy and he opted for a hand on her shoulder instead, he just needed to touch her.

“Can I go now?”  It wasn’t a sharp question like it should have been.  It was small and weak.

“Ya, ya sorry.“  

The door clicked shut behind her and Merlin looked down at his hand, wondering why he couldn’t just leave her alone.


	3. Chapter 3

“What the fuck happened to you last night?”  Tequila saddled up next to Elise as they both made their way to the meeting.

“I’m not sure.  I woke up in a townhouse in London with an older couple, so I assume I had fun.”

“You fuckin- a couple?  How the hell do YOU get blasted out of yer damn mind and still get TWO people in bed?”

 _I think people can smell desperation._ Was what she wanted to say, but opted for a smile and shrug as they entered the room.

“Elise, you’re looking thin.”  Harry commented as the two took a seat.

“Oh, thank you I’ve been-”  _clinically depressed._

“It’s not a good look for you.”

Elise blinked at him surprised,  _Oh._

“Uh, ok.  I mean I didn’t expect to be insulted first thing this morning, but ok.”  Elise sighed rubbing mascara off her cheeks.

“You’re also looking a bit rough lately, have you been sleeping?”

“Wow, is this meeting just going to be you shitting on me, or are we going to actually talk about mission details?”

Arthur shook his head, “No, no of course not.  You’re dismissed.”

“I’m sorry, excuse me?”

Everyone had gone quiet in their side conversations and now stared at Harry and Elise.  Even Merlin who had just stepped into the room, stayed silent as Harry gave another sigh.

“I said you’re dismissed Agent, you clearly are not in your best performing mindset and I won’t have you working and watching over others until you are up to par.”

Elise’s face was a deep red from anger and embarrassment while she gathered up her things with shaking hands.  The room was dead silent as she rose from her seat and pushed past Merlin to slip out the door in a huff.  After she was gone Tequila turned to Harry and just shook his head slowly, as if to say that out of all the things that could have made her worse not letting her work was pretty fucking far up there.  Of course Harry couldn’t really be blamed, he needed to keep his underlings at peak performance. He couldn’t let an agent, no a friend, completely run her body and life into the fucking ground, it had to stop.

“Let this be a lesson to the rest of you that I can and  **will** take you off missions, assignments, and dismiss you from meetings if I feel you are not taking the necessary steps to take care of yourselves.  Is that clear?”

A chorus of “Yes, Sir” followed as Tequila called Elise, so that she could still listen in on the report.

~

“-and she was off before you made it to the front office but she was adorable!”  Sophia was telling him about a coworker of his she had met as she was wandering around the facility.

“Do you remember the name, love?  I don’ think I can say I know her by the description of ‘adorable.’” Hamish chuckled.

“Oh, damn.  I can’t remember, I have it in my phone, but don’t you think it’d be good to take her to lunch?  Introduce her to some locals?”

Of course she would want to do that for the girl, they didn’t have children so instead it seemed that his wife used her maternal instincts on almost everything else.  Now it seemed she was hyper focused on making sure the American Agent she met was well taken care of and had a healthy social life.  

“Sophia, ye can’t play mother hen to every stray thing you find on the street.”

She sighed, “I know, I know but the poor girl just looked so…sad. And you know how I hate that, she’s basically a child she doesn’t deserve to look so heartbroken, I figured I could help.

Heartbreak.  Hamish felt his stomach tighten at that word, his mind wandering back to Elise’s face that morning.  A sudden panic that, that was who Sophia was talking about rose in his mind, but he doused it, there was no reason for Elise to have been on that side of the distillery. Her face remained in his mind though, how tired she had looked when he touched her cheek, like she just didn’t care anymore.  The need to see her burned.

“Sorry, love.  I need ta get back to the office, there’s a new security system being ran and I need to be there in case there’s any bugs.  Dinner was great, thank you.”

“Darlin’ you just got home, I miss you-”  Hamish placed a quick peck on her lips and another on her temple.

“I know, I know and I’ll make it up to ye tomorrow, I promise, but I need ta be there.”

~

After an intense spar with Roxy that left her feeling sore and nicely bruised up Elise stood in the shower and washed off everything from last night.  A hot shower always had a way of making you feel better no matter what, although right now all it was doing for her was just burning the skin.  How had she slipped back into her depressive mood so easily?  Because she met his wife?  His  _gorgeous_ wife that he had to be so fucking stupid to cheat on, to cheat on with  _her._ If she had just known then none of this would have happened, it would still just be office flirting and nothing more.  The guilt and heartache would pass eventually just like everything else, but until then she was left to wallow in this fucking mess Merlin had left her in.  Eventually Elise stepped out of the shower and tugged on a night shirt, feeling slightly better knowing she could sleep in tomorrow, her meeting with Harry wasn’t until that afternoon and she just knew he was going to scold her.

All she wanted was to crawl in bed, masturbate, and fall asleep. The body pacing her room dashed those plans though.

Elise closed her eyes and steadied her breathing, “please, I’m so tired. Just leave, ok.  I can’t do it.  I can’t deal with you right now.”

“I jus’ wanted to make sure ye were ok.”  Hamish stopped pacing and just stood there.

“Yep, I’m fine.  I’m fucking great.  Is that what you want to hear?  Huh? You- you fucking want me to tell you that everything is fine between us so you don’t feel guilty?  So, you can go back to your wife, so you-” her voice broke and Elise took a breath to keep the tears away, “so you can just pretend like everything is fine?”

“Well, I’m not doing ok, as you and apparently everyone else in this fuckin’ HQ can tell.  I’m doing pretty shitty right about now, and you- you don’t even have to care.  You can just go home to Sophia, that’s her name, right?  Ya, go home to Sophia-“

“Do not bring her into this.”  He suddenly snapped, hearing her name come out of Elise’s mouth terrified him.

“Ohhh, so mad!  What the fuck more do you think you can do to me Hamish?  I already hate myself so fucking much because of you.”  Fuck here they come, tears slid down her cheeks.

“Elise-”

“NO!  You want to know how I’m doing fine, I’m gonna tell ya!  I hate myself, for the past five months I’ve gotten shit faced and taken more drugs than I ever have before!  I can’t eat, I don’t eat it’s just too much work and tonight was gonna be the first night I actually slept decently, but that’s not gonna happen because you decided to ruin my night.”

Tears were at the corner of his eyes glistening behind the glasses,“I’m so-”

Elise snapped and shoved him away, “Don’t you dare tell me you’re sorry! Get out, get out, get out!”

“I’m not leaving until ye feel better and if that means ye wanna kick my ass, then do it.”

Elise stopped and just stared at him, “you really don’t get it do you? I have done  _everything_ in my power to stay away from you.  I send other people to the tech department for me so I don’t have to chance walking into you, I have ignored you for so long. And now, now YOU come looking for ME?”

Hamish put a palm flush against her neck when she paused to catch her breath, he just wanted to touch her.  It was like the touch reignited her fire and she shoved him away.

“Don’t fucking touch me.  Why are you doing this?!  What the fuck do you want?”

Tension hung in the air and Merlin finally broke, “you.  I want you.  Elise, I love you I do-”

“That is so fucked up, Hamish.”

“I know!  Alright, ye aren’t the only one hurting from this!  And I know I have ta live with the fact that I hurt ya, and I am sorry.  I am so sorry, and if I could go back and undo the pain I caused I would, but I cannae do that, love.” And now he has both hands cupping her jaw and neck in a sweet way while simultaneously trapping her.

Elise cried and shook her head, “don’t do this.  Just go, ok?  Please, don’t make me do this.  I don’t want to do this, go back home to your wife, please Hamish…”

What was he doing here, he should just do what she said and leave, leave her alone and stop drawing out what was happening between them.  This was wrong.  This was manipulative and nonconsensual, everything Hamish promised himself he would never be like.  What the fuck was wrong with him?  

“Just for tonight.”

“Hamish, no-”

But its too late and Elise already knows it is because she’s lying to herself if she thinks she has the strength to make him leave when he’s looking down at her like he used to.  Hamish tastes like whiskey and mints when he forces their lips together so hard he busts the inside of his lip open on his teeth, Elise trying hard to jerk back before bawling her fists into his shirt and melting into it.

_I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself_

He’s pushing her back, never releasing her lips in fear that she’ll come to her senses and make him leave.  They part when he lets Elise fall to the bed panting, she still feels so lost as she watches him pull off his shirt and crawl onto her, his hands sliding the night shirt back up her body and then travel down to her hips and lower, god she had missed his fingers.

“I missed you so much.”  His breath hot on her neck, leaving kisses and bites marked by the blood from his lip.

As they finally made it fully on the bed Elise had pushed down the feeling of guilt to a tolerable level.  Hamish doing everything in his power to make sure he touched her in just the right way helped really keep it down, whispers of how much he cared about her pressed into her skin.  

“Want you now.  Now, please just get it over with.”  Elise was impatient and eager, but another part of her just wanted it to be done.

“Say it again, love.”  Hamish said, maybe it was meant to be sweet but the tone came out demanding.  

“I want you.  I want you.”

And it was like nothing had changed.  Their bodies still fit so perfectly, moving pressed together easily and slowly like there was all the time in world.  Hamish leaving lazy kisses across her neck and face while Elise wrapped her legs around his hips and clawed down his back gently, the past five months suddenly erased like it never happened like they were back in her apartment at Statesman HQ.  It felt real and wholesome and loving just like it had before, Elise bit the inside of her cheek and focused on keeping up with his thrusts to keep from crying because she knew it wouldn’t last.  As a few tears slipped out however, he began to notice her absence.  

“Hey, hey, sweetheart-” Hamish slid a hand up to cup her face, “stay with me.  Right here, it’s alright.”

Elise’s arms wrapped around him and she shuttered, “just move. Keep touching me.”

~

Elise woke up curled around a pillow, the sound of shifting clothes gaining her attention at the foot of the bed.  Hamish was pulling his shirt back on, then his glasses readjusted on his nose before he pulled a phone out of his pocket and swiped through it. She could hear him sigh, walk to her side of the bed, his hand ghosting over her hair and then down her bare back. His hands moved along her, seeming to memorize every detail and blemish with a feather light touch because he knew this may never happen again and that thought brought tears to his eyes.  After a few more moments he stopped and bent down to leave a kiss on her temple, letting it linger and tasting her skin.  

And then he was gone.

Elise got up, showered again and this time enjoyed the feeling of hot water, made a full bag of pizza rolls, ate every one, and then laid back down. Merlin had come to her for this. That knowledge changed something in her guilt, made it less volatile.  Because if he was the one still pursuing her… then it wasn’t all her fault.  A warmth bloomed in her chest, she was finally beginning to heal.


End file.
